Cabelas
6.28.2008
Triadelphia, WV - There really is no place in the world like Cabelas. Except maybe another Cabelas. It’s not a unique sporting goods store, it’s part of a chain, and that’s what’s so bizarre about it.
Cabela’s is part 19th century natural history museum and part consumer wonderland. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen so much taxidermy in one spot, including a natural history museum. There’s everything from “Conservation Mountain,” which takes up a good third of the store, to the Serengeti, complete with lions, rhinos and elephants. There is also a fair amount of carnage as stuffed beasts snarl with the remainents of another stuffed beast in it’s mouth. Oh, and the mounted heads. So many mounted heads.
When I first heard about Cabelas I falsely assumed it was a place with sculpted animals. There’s no way PETA would allow a giant mountain full of recently dead animals! Of course I can’t really see PETA’s protesting being a safe venture from the looks of Cabelas’ clientèle. There were a lot of wife-beaters, camo hats, and mullets. Animal rights activists are no match for the sheer number of gun racks attached to the myriad of pickups in the parking lot.
“Conservation Mountain,” so called (according to the plaque I barely skimmed) because of it’s efforts to conserve wildlife … somehow … by stuffing them? (I’m guessing there’s some sort of monetary fund. I bet there would be a higher source of revenue if they took pictures of you in from of your favorite stuffed warthog and put it on a key chain for you.) is the centerpiece of Cabelas. And it’s a photo op-stravaganza for any family. Just imagine, your Christmas card this year can be a lovely shot of your smiling children in front of a grisly tearing into a deer.
The kids love Cabelas. You’d think giant dead animals would at least creep them out, especially the predatory ones. I remember being a kid and the one neighbor had a stuffed wildcat, and even tough I was fascinated by it I would run by it very fast whenever I was visiting. There was none of that fascinated fear at Cabelas. Just pure childhood joy. The kind of joy you hear coming out in screams on Christmas morning. In fact I’ve seen more fear from a two year old sitting on Santa’s lap then I did when viewing the hundreds of taxidermied wonders.
Cabelas isn’t just a store and taxidermy wonderland. It also has an arcade where the kiddies can practice their hand at the shooting gallery, thus becoming skilled marksmen before strolling down to the Gun Library and purchasing their fist rifle. There’s a “General Store” that sells countrified bottles of syrup and fudge and whatnot. Cabellas also has a restaurant where you can dine while overlooking
“Conservation Mountain.” And a gift shoppe where you can repurchase baby dolls in camouflage, wooden pop guns, and plush animals (i hesitate to refer to them as “stuffed” animals because at Cabelas that can mean something very different).
All in all I encourage EVERYONE to go to Cabelas. You don’t have to by anything, in fact it’s hugely overpriced (that happens when your overhead includes several taxidermied zebras, those things don’t come cheep). It’s just something that has to be see to be belived. You just don’t see that volume of taxidermy anymore. This place is Teddy Roosevelt’s wet dream.
